Monday, March 12, 2012

It's a Slow Fade.

 It's a slow fade. Man. This song has really been speaking to me quite a bit lately. Just listen to the lyrics below. They're wonderful. I love the fact that this song is capable of telling people that you don't just crumble in one day. It takes days to lose yourself. Not one day. Not one little thing. It takes things built up over time to tear your life and you apart. Remember that. It'll take you far.

"Slow Fade"

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Game/party night = check!
Spend time with best friend = check!
Spend time with guy I like = check!

16th surprise birthday party = check!
Meet new people = check!

Church = check!
Finish making health quiz = check!

Spend much needed time with family and friends = check!
Living with no regrets for the weekend = check!

This weekend was a definite success!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Lasting impacts.

Do you know how easy it is for someone to make an impact on your life? How fast it can actually happen? Well I just found out. We held a surprise 16th birthday party for my best friend, Emily. I met her "Grandpa" Joe. He isn't her actual grandpa, but she calls him that. He was absolutely amazing. Such a loving gentleman. Within minutes of first meeting him he was already picking on me and making me laugh. And I don't mean for any of this to make him seem like a creep. Because he is far from that. By the end of the night I was calling him Grandpa Joe too. We are all going to a Laura Story concert in about two weeks, my best friends family, her, Grandpa Joe and his wife and I. I really can't wait. He is a wonderful Christian man. I love him. Within the three hours I was around him, I felt like he was family. His wife loved me too. And he told me he loved me at the end of the night. They invited me to visit their church and I'm super excited to.

Anyways, don't even take advantage of the new people you may meet or encounter in your life. You never know when one of them is going to make a lasting impact and stay in your life for years to come.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

When you aren't sure what to do....

I’m not necessarily mad at you. I’ve just been thinking quite a bit lately. I mean, have you taken the time to stop and think about what’s going to happen at the end of this school year? You’ll pretty much be out of my life till my senior year. I’m not really okay with that. This is one of the reasons I wish I wouldn’t have gotten close to you again after two years. That’s why it was so easy for me to shut you out for those two years; then I didn’t have to deal with the hardest goodbye once school ended. 
Two years. Do you even know how hard it was to keep you shut out for that long? Well let me tell you; it was a living hell. There is really no other way of describing it to you. Two years without the person that impacted my life so greatly. Yeah, it sucked. I could barely even walk past your classroom without wanting to burst into tears. I felt terrible. I just didn't have the guts to let you back in after what occurred.

What do I do now? Do I just go through the rest of the school year like normal, say goodbye on the last day and then just walk away? Walk away knowing I won't hear from you for 104 days? Knowing your kids won't be a part of my life for three months? Knowing I won't be able to sleep at night because I can't say goodnight to you? Knowing I can't count on you when I need it the most?

I'm not really sure what you expect to happen this summer. Actually, my guess is that you won't even care or notice. You're not gonna care what's happening to me or what goes on over the summer. It's gonna be your time to be free and I'm not going to be a part of that.
You promised. You promised me you wouldn't intentionally hurt me. You promised that you would always be here for me. You promised me that there would be other times, not just that one. You promised to keep all my secrets and never judge me. What's going to happen to all that?? Will it all just disappear?

I'm sorry, but I am far from good at goodbyes. It's my main weakness. I hide the pain from you every day. Every day. Every single day I hurt more and more, knowing that summer break is just one day closer to being here. It hurts to know that you just might be able to easily walk out on the last day of school, knowing you won't be seeing me every day. 

Will you even notice a difference? I'm in your classroom every day, for at least a period. I have finished class work early, on days you weren't doing so well, just knowing that I was able to go to your class and comfort you. I show up when you least expect it, even between classes. Even when I have been pissed with you, I have still come to your room. Does that mean nothing?

I've been dreading this moment since we started the 6th grade play. 

I don't want to say goodbye to you. I want to be able to text you this summer. I want to know that I can call you when something amazing happens, when I have my stories to tell you, when I need advice on something, or just when I'm missing you. I don't want to lose contact, and I don't want it to be emails. I hate those.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: 
Please don't let me lose you this summer. Please show that I have actually meant something to you. Please tell me I'm not going to lose all the hard work I put into trusting you and letting you back into my life. Please just don't give up on me so easily.

All I've wanted from you this whole week was a hug. One hug. I don't get them from you anymore. You used to give me them when I was having a bad day, a good day, or just when you could tell that I needed one. You used to play with my hair, one of my favorite things. You used to tell me you loved me, even if it was only after you insulted me. It actually made me feel like you cared. You used to actually talk to me. Now, don't get me wrong, you talk to me. But we don't have actual conversations anymore. But the key words here are "used to". None of this happens anymore. There's always someone else. Someone better. My importance is disappearing. 

I don't like this, this feeling. I just wish everything was back the way it was before you and my mom ever talked. Because ever since then, you've been different. You're not the same, and it really scares me. 

Do you even care about me anymore? Or do you just tolerate me because you feel like you have to? I mean, I'm not pretty, I'm not the perfect girl, and I mess up quite often. So why do you let me come to your room?

Do you know how many times I have wanted to just walk up to you, give you a hug and tell you I love you? I want you to feel important. But whenever I've tried giving you hugs, you seem like you don't want them. So I've stopped trying. But it's different with other kids. They do it all the time. I don't see how I'm any different. 

I don't even know what to say now. =/

I love you and you mean a lot to me. I can't afford to lose you completely. I do need you in my life. I hope you realize that. 

I love you...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


This video really does say it all. Please take the time to watch it. It's not something that I could even pass over. And it's quite impossible to just stop watching halfway through. 

Monday, March 5, 2012

That boy (:

So, It's Monday!! Now, normally Monday's are everyone's bad days. Mainly due to the fact that it starts off the week. Like many other's, my Monday started off not so great. Some teachers decided to be jerks and others were just plain stupid and ignorant. But! Then I had my two practices after school. One was for IU9 Band. The other was for show choir. But there is this guy, yes it's all about a guy. I have liked him for years now. The good part? He likes me back (: He is in the band with me. And he is also my dance partner for Show Choir. So, we had the privilege of dancing together again today! It was amazing. I don't really know how else to explain it. The way I felt in his arms the whole time. And the way he looked into my eyes at that one part of the dance. Ahhh! It's like heaven! For one move we have to grab hands, do this little lean thing backwards. Then we both pull forward. Meanwhile we both let go with one hand. He puts a hand on my waist and I put one on his chest. You sing to each, so looking into each others eyes, look out to audience then do a spin to end the song. IT WAS AMAZING!! Normally I can't hold a gaze for longer than three seconds with anyone before it gets awkward. But it's different with him. I could lock eyes with him for hours... (sigh) well, I hope everyone had a good-ending Monday like me!! Night!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Happy Sunday!

It's Sunday!! These are probably one of my favorite days of the week. I highly enjoy going to Church. The worship this morning was absolutely incredible! One of the best we've had in ages. The I have Inside Out Worship Team Practice in a few hours. I play the jam-bee. It's so much fun. Then I get to go to youth. The leaders and kids there are the best. They've been such a blessing to my life. I'm pretty sure that my life wouldn't be complete without them. Well, not too much going on today. Hope everyone is having a great Sunday!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Grrrr. =/

Do you have any idea of what I go through now?? Not being able to talk to you anymore kills. And I bet it isn’t even affecting you at all. Of course it isn’t! It never does, never has. I can’t stand the fact that I’m not allowed to talk to you and tell you everything. You were the one person I was able to open up to completely. There is no one else that I have willingly opened up to and not been judged by. I have never had that with anyone else. And now I’ve lost you too. The one person that promised to never leave me again or purposely hurt me. Well, you’ve done well this time. You allowed this one to happen. You can’t expect me to not be upset. And if you do expect that, well, it’s a little too late for that. I hope you sleep well at night; because I sure as hell can’t. For over a month I would only go to bed after I heard goodnight from you. Now I don’t even get that. That was the one thing that allowed me to sleep well at night. Your car and house and presence are some of the things that kept me sane. I felt like another part of the family, and not just some body floating around you guys. I thought I was finally getting a second family that loved me like my family does. I knew that you guys would never be better than the family I was actually given, but you were still there for me. But it was like you and your kids were ripped out of my life; ripped out of the picture. How would you deal with that? How would you deal with people, who mean everything to you, being ripped out of your life? It's not easy; let me just tell you that right now. It's really not. I hope you realize, someday, what has happened. And I hope you realize it soon, because I want you three in my life for years to come. But I want it to be your choice, not mine. Please...

Friday, March 2, 2012


Ever sit and think about life?
You know, just the little things in life?
What you're gonna wear tomorrow?
What you should do over the weekend?
What type of lunch or supper you should make or eat?
What about the more important things in life?
Ever think about those?
Well, I do. That's for sure.
There's nothing I can do to get away from constantly thinking.
It's pretty much impossible.
I think one of my issues is that I do think too much. About everything.
I always fear that maybe I said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time.
I replay conversations in my head; day after day.
I constantly worry that people are upset with me.
I always wonder "Why?". Nothing specific. Just "Why?".
If I have one skill in life it's thinking and worrying.
But you know, maybe that's what causes some issues in my life...


This post is all about music. YouTube videos; mainly. These will be the videos that have ultimately saved me throughout time. Saved me from misery and practically anything and everything. Or just videos that I love to watch and songs I like to listen to. So! Here they are.

^Someday - Rob Thomas.

^You Are More- Tenth Avenue North.

^Never Alone - Lady Antebellum.

^Scream - Katie Armiger.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday!! (:

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Momma K

Ever feel like you aren't good enough? Like maybe everything is a lie in this life? I feel that sometimes. I feel like the people that I trust most don't even care about me; that I'm really nothing to them. There are always going to be those people that help you in every way, and they won't even know it. The person I look up to? Yeah, she's pretty awesome. I've known her since I started seventh grade. Because of her I got involved with the musicals at my school and became stage manager. She's the reason I stayed in it for so many years, even though she stopped doing them. It was my eighth grade year and she got really sick. Close to dying. It was absolutely terrible. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. She was gone for months, I didn't get to have any contact with her at all. It put me in a huge fog; I felt lost. Completely, and utterly, lost. She was the person that was always there for me and I thought I lost her. When she got back I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. She came back acting like everything was perfectly fine; like she was never even gone. I couldn't deal with that. After eighth grade, came lovely ninth and then tenth. I pretty much had kicked her out of my life. I refused to talk to her or have anything to do with her. I felt terrible, but I couldn't stand the fact that she did that to me. Finally, this year she asked me to help her with the sixth grade play. I agreed and we got to work together again. Throughout those few months we got the chance to actually talk quite a few different times. We were both completely honest with each other. I told her how I felt after she had left and we were able to work things out. It was great. We have both been honest with each other ever since. But now I feel like I'm losing her again. We used to be able to talk a lot. Then things occurred. Stupid things. It wasn't fair. She was the person I talked to about everything; the only person I have ever been completely honest with. And she is suddenly slipping away. Not much talking anymore, not really much opening up. I'm hoping it is just due to the fact that it's kind of a stressful time of year and that it's just a phase. I don't think I'd be able to lose her. She means way to much to me.

New York City

New York City!! That was probably one of my most favorite trips! Absolutely loved it. Although, I wasn't very big on the way people act. I love the scenery and the atmosphere. It was a lovely place to take pictures. Anyways! This weekend my high school presents their musical. I'm nervous =/ I was supposed to be stage manage it for the fifth year in a row. But, sadly, I had to quit. After the car accident I just wasn't able to keep up with practices and everything. So this year they are doing it without me. We got a preview of it today, it could be a lot better. Back stage is having major issues, which sucks for them. They have four seventh grade girls trying to do everything. Ugh! Sometimes I wish I could just go back and help them! They desperately need it!! Well, enjoy the pictures I took in NYC!! (: Hope you have a good Thursday!!

Statue of Liberty. 

New York City (: