Monday, April 23, 2012

Confused Feelings and Thoughts

Faith. One word. One five-letter word. Faith. Faith in myself. It’s what I’m lacking. I’m lacking it and it’s something I truly need right now. Why don’t I have it? You have faith in me, so why can’t I have it in myself? Why’s it so hard?

Believing. Believing in myself. That’s something else I can’t do. Yet, you do it so easily. You believe in me. So why can’t I do that either? Why’s it so hard?

Strength. That’s what I lack the most. I don’t have the strength to keep a constant smile on my face. You think I have strength. The strength to do anything. But I don’t.

Trust. Oh, it’s so hard to do. Trusting that everything will be okay. Trusting you. Trusting myself. Trusting we’ll be ready. Trusting that you truly do care about me.

Love. Such a small, yet oh so powerful word. Love. It’s hard to believe that you love me sometimes. Yet when you kiss my forehead, hug me, and tell me that everything is going to be alright, love is then a little bit easier to believe. Sometimes it’s true. But . . .

Lost. That’s what I am. Lost in this place that everybody calls life. Lost. I’m not even sure who I am, or what I want anymore. I’ve lost myself in the motions of life.

Hurt. That’s also what I am. Hurt from the moment my dad left. Hurt from the day I crashed. Hurt from the days you’ve been upset with me. Hurt. It never really goes away.

Pain. That’s what I’m dealing with. The pain of my dad. The pain in my chest. It won’t leave. It’s like the pain is nailed there. And I can actually feel the nail.

Sick. Every day. Something new every day. That gut-wrenching sickness when you’re scared. The constant shakes because of fear and nerves. The booming headache that never leaves.

Truth. That’s so hard to get these days. No one tells the truth anymore. Lies seem so much more convenient for people. It hurts. The truth doesn’t. Well, not as much.

Confidence. It’s dwindling. One day I have it. The next day it’s gone. Some people help me with my confidence. Yet it only takes a few people to crash it all back down again.

You. You’re the only person that’s able to help me. Yet you’re capable of hurting me so very much. Some days you don’t even realize it. The smile that’s hiding so much pain. The make-up that hides the tears. You don’t normally realize it. I hide so many different things from you. Yet I feel so very bad for doing it. Yet you’re always here.

Life. It’s hard to understand sometimes. It’s complicated. Don’t always know where you’re going. Or what you should be doing. It’s like a game. But nobody can win.

Thoughts. They take over. My thoughts are oh so very dangerous. I can’t control them. It hurts…you know…to think what I think. They’re demanding in every way.

Suicide. That’s come and gone. Not recently though. I hurt my family with that. All the cutting and everything else. It didn’t help. Nope. Not at all. Not one bit.

Fear. Constant fear. Fear that I’m letting my family down. Fear that I’m not making the right decisions. Fear takes over too. Shaking. Headache. More pain.

Regret. This is such a tough one. I regret so many things in my life. Hurting you. Putting you through all that crap. For letting Avery hurt me the way he did. Letting Scott do everything he did to me. Not stopping it sooner; allowing both those relationships to last for months without end. I regret it.

Cost. It has all cost me so much. The counseling. The tearing apart of my family. The tearing apart of their family. Trust, just thrown right out of the windows.

Honesty. I haven’t been honest with you. I haven’t been honest with myself. It’s hard sometimes because I fear you’ll hate me. Fear. See, there’s that word again.

You. See, it all comes right back to you. Right back to why I started writing this whole thing. I wrote this for you. To be honest and to let my thoughts just spill out onto the paper. Everything I have been thinking is right here. It’s not a lie. It’s the truth. You should ask what’s on my mind right at that moment more often. You might learn more about me. And new things too. You know, maybe I have such a difficult time believing you love me and care about me because I have been hurt so many times. People pretend, and it kills me. But when you do those small things every once in a while, they help me believe in you. I just need to be sure that you’re not going anywhere. But you won’t. I know that. You care. I just need to believe, and trust, and have faith in you. it’s not always that east to do. It just takes courage. So there’s my thoughts and worries. All wrapped up on this sheet of paper. Might not want to forget this. It only happens once in a lifetime. Believe me.