Junior year has come to an end..

Welp! Today was my last day of school as a Junior! Exciting, terrifying, saddening; all mixed into one. 
My summer will probably consist of this: Writing. Reading. Eating. Tanning. Swimming. Music. Family. Friends.
One thing I plan for this summer is to write at least one letter a day, if not more, to a certain someone. They mean a lot to me and I want to share all of it with them, since I won't be able to see or talk to them every day. 
I hate saying goodbye. And yes, it is something I truly hate. They never end well, and I can't stand that.  I mainly hate them because I don't know when I'll be able to actually see that person again. =/
Tomorrow one of my little sisters graduates from 6th grade.  So my morning will be spent watching that. 
My Grandma is up for it also.  So after that we get to have a family lunch.  
Ohio in 2 days.
Iowa in 4 days.
Missions Trip to Baltimore in 25 days.
Excitement just wants to burst out of my body!
I'm so ready to say goodbye to good 'ole Coudy for a bit!

May 26, 2012

Saturday, May 26, 2012
Last night I got to spend time with a family that means so much to me.  It was enjoyable and fun.  I just wish good things didn't have to come to an end so soon.  I feel like that family has done so much for me, which I guess that could be why I felt obliged to help them with cleaning their house and taking care of the animals.
We held a 5K at my church today.  We're fundraising for the missions trips that some of the kids at my youth group, including me, are going on the end of June.  I'm really excited about that.  I feel like it's going to be a really good experience.  I think it's something that the teens here could really use.
I can't stop thinking about this boy.  He hasn't left my mind since I woke up this morning.  But that's just talking about today.  He actually never leaves my mind.  I constantly think about the guy, and some people probably think I'm crazy for letting that happen.  I guess it just makes me realize how much he means to me, which is a whole lot.
Two and a half days left of this school year, then I'm a senior.. it's kind of scary, if you ask me.  I'm ready to graduate, but at the same time; I'm not.  I know that I will definitely miss my years in high school.  All the friends, sleepovers, teachers, projects, just not the drama.  It has all given me so many good memories.  And I'm pretty sure I will never forget any of them.
Well, summer is 5 days away.  My Ohio trip is 6 days away.  And my Iowa trip is 8 days away.  My missions trip is 29 days away.  It's all so close. Yet so far away, all at the same time.  But I am still definitely looking forward to everything I can experience this summer.  It's time for some memory making this year.

That weird feeling...

May 21, 2012

Today has been…weird.  I’m pretty sure I think too much, though.  That’s the main cause of quite a bit of things.  I mean, to me it feels like I’m bipolar.  I’m perfectly content with my life one minute, then the next I just want to scream because I’m so upset.  Yet I can never actually explain what is upsetting me.  It’s strange.  And people these days, ugh!  I do the best I can with everything I do.  But sometimes people can just get to me with the slightest things they say.  I try so hard not to let things bother me, but sometimes it can just truly not be helped one bit.  I know this isn’t a lot of writing for today, but it’s late and I’m exhausted.  More tomorrow.

Life in three paragraphs.

I know I can never change my past.  Yet somehow, I am kind of okay with that, but only to a certain extent.  There are still those certain things that I just wish I could go back and change.  I believe that I always will want to.  I can’t help but think of the “what if’s” in life.  They are constantly haunting people.  Isn’t that life, though; the act of wanting to change all the mistakes that you made in the past?  Every person hopes for that wish at some point in their life.  That’s only because every human being makes mistakes.  We all have issues, problems, fears, hopes, dreams.  The issue is this: we won’t go far enough to fix things, reach for our dreams, and overcome our fears.  All we choose to do is talk about them, complain about them.  Is that really ever going to help us make it far in life?  What would this world be like if we all worked together, even for just one day?  Could we really make a big impact on the world?  Could we change the way people treat each other? 

Why don’t we, as people, ever reach for things in life?  I mean, life is short as it is, why put things off to another day?  We have right now.  That is truly all we can be completely sure about.  We don’t know if tomorrow will ever come, let alone next week or next year.  Life is this absolutely beautiful thing that we take for granted daily.  Why not stop that?  It takes one person, just one, to stand up against the world and make a change for just themselves.  You reach for one of your goals every day and you can change the way you live.  It wouldn’t be that hard if we actually put forth a good effort.

There are quite a few things I have learned about life this past year.  What effort you put forth, is exactly what result you are going to get back.  Every little choice that you make has a consequence, whether good or bad. God is the only person that you are ever going to be able to completely trust, he is the only person that will truly never let you down.  Now, why is it that we have trouble believing and understanding these things?  I mean, they’re just simple words.  Simple words put together to make complex sentences.  Complex doesn’t always mean bad.  Complex can sometimes mean it’s true, but you’re just going to have trouble admitting to the truth.  Everyone does, it’s the way life is.

Confused Feelings and Thoughts

Faith. One word. One five-letter word. Faith. Faith in myself. It’s what I’m lacking. I’m lacking it and it’s something I truly need right now. Why don’t I have it? You have faith in me, so why can’t I have it in myself? Why’s it so hard?


Believing. Believing in myself. That’s something else I can’t do. Yet, you do it so easily. You believe in me. So why can’t I do that either? Why’s it so hard?

Strength. That’s what I lack the most. I don’t have the strength to keep a constant smile on my face. You think I have strength. The strength to do anything. But I don’t.

Trust. Oh, it’s so hard to do. Trusting that everything will be okay. Trusting you. Trusting myself. Trusting we’ll be ready. Trusting that you truly do care about me.

Love. Such a small, yet oh so powerful word. Love. It’s hard to believe that you love me sometimes. Yet when you kiss my forehead, hug me, and tell me that everything is going to be alright, love is then a little bit easier to believe. Sometimes it’s true. But . . .

Lost. That’s what I am. Lost in this place that everybody calls life. Lost. I’m not even sure who I am, or what I want anymore. I’ve lost myself in the motions of life.

Hurt. That’s also what I am. Hurt from the moment my dad left. Hurt from the day I crashed. Hurt from the days you’ve been upset with me. Hurt. It never really goes away.

Pain. That’s what I’m dealing with. The pain of my dad. The pain in my chest. It won’t leave. It’s like the pain is nailed there. And I can actually feel the nail.

Sick. Every day. Something new every day. That gut-wrenching sickness when you’re scared. The constant shakes because of fear and nerves. The booming headache that never leaves.

Truth. That’s so hard to get these days. No one tells the truth anymore. Lies seem so much more convenient for people. It hurts. The truth doesn’t. Well, not as much.

Confidence. It’s dwindling. One day I have it. The next day it’s gone. Some people help me with my confidence. Yet it only takes a few people to crash it all back down again.

You. You’re the only person that’s able to help me. Yet you’re capable of hurting me so very much. Some days you don’t even realize it. The smile that’s hiding so much pain. The make-up that hides the tears. You don’t normally realize it. I hide so many different things from you. Yet I feel so very bad for doing it. Yet you’re always here.

Life. It’s hard to understand sometimes. It’s complicated. Don’t always know where you’re going. Or what you should be doing. It’s like a game. But nobody can win.

Thoughts. They take over. My thoughts are oh so very dangerous. I can’t control them. It hurts…you know…to think what I think. They’re demanding in every way.

Suicide. That’s come and gone. Not recently though. I hurt my family with that. All the cutting and everything else. It didn’t help. Nope. Not at all. Not one bit.

Fear. Constant fear. Fear that I’m letting my family down. Fear that I’m not making the right decisions. Fear takes over too. Shaking. Headache. More pain.

Regret. This is such a tough one. I regret so many things in my life. Hurting you. Putting you through all that crap. For letting Avery hurt me the way he did. Letting Scott do everything he did to me. Not stopping it sooner; allowing both those relationships to last for months without end. I regret it.

Cost. It has all cost me so much. The counseling. The tearing apart of my family. The tearing apart of their family. Trust, just thrown right out of the windows.

Honesty. I haven’t been honest with you. I haven’t been honest with myself. It’s hard sometimes because I fear you’ll hate me. Fear. See, there’s that word again.

You. See, it all comes right back to you. Right back to why I started writing this whole thing. I wrote this for you. To be honest and to let my thoughts just spill out onto the paper. Everything I have been thinking is right here. It’s not a lie. It’s the truth. You should ask what’s on my mind right at that moment more often. You might learn more about me. And new things too. You know, maybe I have such a difficult time believing you love me and care about me because I have been hurt so many times. People pretend, and it kills me. But when you do those small things every once in a while, they help me believe in you. I just need to be sure that you’re not going anywhere. But you won’t. I know that. You care. I just need to believe, and trust, and have faith in you. it’s not always that east to do. It just takes courage. So there’s my thoughts and worries. All wrapped up on this sheet of paper. Might not want to forget this. It only happens once in a lifetime. Believe me. 

It's a Slow Fade.

 It's a slow fade. Man. This song has really been speaking to me quite a bit lately. Just listen to the lyrics below. They're wonderful. I love the fact that this song is capable of telling people that you don't just crumble in one day. It takes days to lose yourself. Not one day. Not one little thing. It takes things built up over time to tear your life and you apart. Remember that. It'll take you far.

"Slow Fade"

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Success!

Friday:
Game/party night = check!
Spend time with best friend = check!
Spend time with guy I like = check!

Saturday:
16th surprise birthday party = check!
Meet new people = check!


Sunday:
Church = check!
Finish making health quiz = check!


Weekend:
Spend much needed time with family and friends = check!
Living with no regrets for the weekend = check!

This weekend was a definite success!