Thursday, March 8, 2012

When you aren't sure what to do....

I’m not necessarily mad at you. I’ve just been thinking quite a bit lately. I mean, have you taken the time to stop and think about what’s going to happen at the end of this school year? You’ll pretty much be out of my life till my senior year. I’m not really okay with that. This is one of the reasons I wish I wouldn’t have gotten close to you again after two years. That’s why it was so easy for me to shut you out for those two years; then I didn’t have to deal with the hardest goodbye once school ended. 
Two years. Do you even know how hard it was to keep you shut out for that long? Well let me tell you; it was a living hell. There is really no other way of describing it to you. Two years without the person that impacted my life so greatly. Yeah, it sucked. I could barely even walk past your classroom without wanting to burst into tears. I felt terrible. I just didn't have the guts to let you back in after what occurred.

What do I do now? Do I just go through the rest of the school year like normal, say goodbye on the last day and then just walk away? Walk away knowing I won't hear from you for 104 days? Knowing your kids won't be a part of my life for three months? Knowing I won't be able to sleep at night because I can't say goodnight to you? Knowing I can't count on you when I need it the most?

I'm not really sure what you expect to happen this summer. Actually, my guess is that you won't even care or notice. You're not gonna care what's happening to me or what goes on over the summer. It's gonna be your time to be free and I'm not going to be a part of that.
You promised. You promised me you wouldn't intentionally hurt me. You promised that you would always be here for me. You promised me that there would be other times, not just that one. You promised to keep all my secrets and never judge me. What's going to happen to all that?? Will it all just disappear?

I'm sorry, but I am far from good at goodbyes. It's my main weakness. I hide the pain from you every day. Every day. Every single day I hurt more and more, knowing that summer break is just one day closer to being here. It hurts to know that you just might be able to easily walk out on the last day of school, knowing you won't be seeing me every day. 

Will you even notice a difference? I'm in your classroom every day, for at least a period. I have finished class work early, on days you weren't doing so well, just knowing that I was able to go to your class and comfort you. I show up when you least expect it, even between classes. Even when I have been pissed with you, I have still come to your room. Does that mean nothing?

I've been dreading this moment since we started the 6th grade play. 

I don't want to say goodbye to you. I want to be able to text you this summer. I want to know that I can call you when something amazing happens, when I have my stories to tell you, when I need advice on something, or just when I'm missing you. I don't want to lose contact, and I don't want it to be emails. I hate those.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: 
Please don't let me lose you this summer. Please show that I have actually meant something to you. Please tell me I'm not going to lose all the hard work I put into trusting you and letting you back into my life. Please just don't give up on me so easily.

All I've wanted from you this whole week was a hug. One hug. I don't get them from you anymore. You used to give me them when I was having a bad day, a good day, or just when you could tell that I needed one. You used to play with my hair, one of my favorite things. You used to tell me you loved me, even if it was only after you insulted me. It actually made me feel like you cared. You used to actually talk to me. Now, don't get me wrong, you talk to me. But we don't have actual conversations anymore. But the key words here are "used to". None of this happens anymore. There's always someone else. Someone better. My importance is disappearing. 

I don't like this, this feeling. I just wish everything was back the way it was before you and my mom ever talked. Because ever since then, you've been different. You're not the same, and it really scares me. 

Do you even care about me anymore? Or do you just tolerate me because you feel like you have to? I mean, I'm not pretty, I'm not the perfect girl, and I mess up quite often. So why do you let me come to your room?

Do you know how many times I have wanted to just walk up to you, give you a hug and tell you I love you? I want you to feel important. But whenever I've tried giving you hugs, you seem like you don't want them. So I've stopped trying. But it's different with other kids. They do it all the time. I don't see how I'm any different. 

I don't even know what to say now. =/

I love you and you mean a lot to me. I can't afford to lose you completely. I do need you in my life. I hope you realize that. 

I love you...


  1. Hey Kellz.
    This made me cry. I really think you need to give this to her. It meant alot to me, and It wasn't even to me! But seriously girl. Get the guts, and give it to her. It might make a difference.

    1. I'm scared to.. I think i am eighth period today, =/